Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005) is one of the funniest comedians I've heard and seen. Click on the player below to view a 4-minute clip from from Letterman and Conan.

Mitch on sports, food and just random things...

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fucking foot."

I play sports... Wait, no I don't. What the fuck! That was a major faux pas.

I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" "Hey, in Hollywood its all who you know, and I know Crackle."

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!... And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!"

I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut."

I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first but at the end you're fucking sick of them.

At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. It's the complete opposite for a banana. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er." I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a "Fresher." I'm going on break.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

(Mitch tells the audience to fuck off!) Oops I'm sorry, that's rude, fuck back on!

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit."

I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications... I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was.

I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I stick my feet out the window? Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide."

Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you you're wrong, say "no I aint." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you fucking X?"

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I don't know shit about cars, man. If my car breaks down, and I don't see that little "E" on the dashboard, I'm fucked. But if that "E" is there, man, I act all cocky. I'm like "I got this one under control!" Then I pull out the toolbox, AKA wallet.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they just thought we were "okay."

Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?"

(to Howard Stern) There's a reason you can say anything you want on satellite radio, because nobody's listening!

I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive down to the wrong station?"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction. Just take out some letters, put a comma in there, and move it up!

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you're not ugly.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.

I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

If you drink O'Doul's, you're not drinking. But if you drink 20 O'Doul's in a half hour, you're a fuckin' non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem, too; and there are symptoms, like when you fall down, it will always hurt.

I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I took acid, and when I took acid, I finally understood that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this away."

If 13 is an unlucky number, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. "12, I know I saw you with 13." "No I wasn't, I was with 11. You talk to 14 about that shit." "What do you have to say, 14?" "Me divided by 2 equals 7... alright, I was with 13, shit."

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

I was on That 70's Show, and I put it on my acting résumé. Before that my acting résumé was sparse; it was all bullshit. It was like, "When I'm playing pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition and I acted like I didn't care."

I dressed up for the CD.

Do you believe in gosh?

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of... a sticker.

I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.

A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is, "You know I can't knit, motherfucker." That is one foul mouthed kitten.

Dog is Man's best friend...except for the drug-sniffing dogs. Those fuckers are tattle-tales. Why you gotta tell on me, German Sheperd? German Sheperds are always in America... like I don't think that German shit is true. I'm just gonna call you sheperd.